Identity
by likealovesong004
Summary: Madeleine is a girl stuck between her public identity and her private problems. When her life takes a turn for the worse, will her father exploit her or can she stand up for herself in a way she was never forced to do before?
1. Anxiety

Our identity is known to develop over time. It's often easier to discover your social identity through interactions with friends and strangers. But your familial identity? You're born with that and can never escape it.

My name is Madeleine Westwood and until today, I was an 18-year-old girl just trying to make it through what was promising to be a very high-strung summer.

As a biracial woman, your two racial identities can hinder you in ways you could never imagine. It makes it worse when your father isn't consistent in your life, so you're unfailingly in the dark about half of your existence.

My mother, Rachel, raised me to the best of her ability. We were never struggling financially, but emotionally…whew, that's a lot to unpack.

By 12 years old, I was diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety. I've never had an easy time when there was moment for me to socialize or make myself known, but I like it that way. The less attention, the better.

I grew up in New York City, Manhattan to be specific. In a city as big as this, you would think I would never leave my house, but it's always some quiet place to explore and hide in. It sounds like I'm a recluse, but I really just enjoy my privacy.

But that all is about to change.

It's mid-morning on a cool June day. Being that I'm done with school for the year, I'm in the midst of doing my morning routine of yoga on the floor of my room. As soon as I'm finished it's time for a shower, breakfast and-depending on the day-work or aimlessly scrolling through Twitter. Thank God today was an off day because I woke up in a less than desirable mood to help customers find books that they're only going to download to their iPad anyways.

Around 3 PM, my mom comes home from NYU and immediately hugs me. I'm pretty affectionate with those closest to me.

"Hi honeybee! How's your day been?", she says as she smiles and kisses my forehead.

"Hi there, Mama. My day was pretty normal. How was yours?"

She sets her bag down, plops next to me on the couch and slides off her shoes. "It was pretty quiet, for the most part. No students bothering me, no professors asking to compare lesson plans. Just doing paperwork and making sure that I have enough time in my day to spend with my favorite girl."

Ever since I could remember, she was always worrying about me. I know, that's what parents are supposed to do, but with the things that have happened in our lives, she makes sure that I have everything I can possibly need- even at the sacrifice of her sanity.

We spent the next couple of hours watching television and deciding on dinner before the moment that would negatively alter my life as we knew it came.

I remember the doorbell ringing and seeing as we decided on Postmating something, it wasn't out of the ordinary. I was walking through the foyer when I got a strange feeling. As I got closer to the door, I knew something wasn't right, but I tried to push it down. As I look through the peephole, I see a man in a black suit with an earpiece. I know exactly who this is…

It's my father-

Fitzgerald Thomas Grant, II.


	2. Good Intentions

There are certain things that therapy just can't fix. And one of those things was behind that door. The person standing in front of me is an illustration of how shitty my life was and is about to get. I must have been in a haze for a little too long because he says,

"Hi Maddie. May I come in?"

"Um, yeah, sure." I usher him in through the foyer and into the living room.

"You can have a seat. I'll, uh, get my mom."

He smiles at me and whispers a thanks as I walk past. Now, while my walk to the kitchen isn't long, I had to slow down in order to get my thoughts straight. It's been over a year since I've seen him.

My father, or Big Gerry as the people know him, loves to pop in and out when convenient for him. The last time he was here, he wanted to "check on me" and see how I was holding up in school, even though I'm more than positive he has someone following me around all day.

It's not that I hate him necessarily, but I just wish I had a STABLE father-daughter relationship. When I was younger, I lowkey envied the other girls in my class because they had their fathers. And as I got older, I knew there was no possibility of that happening, so that ended up being a moot point.

As I got closer to the kitchen, I hear my mother humming to herself while setting the table. I hate to ruin our evening but might as well do it as soon as possible, am I right?

"Mama?"

She turns around with a slight smile, "Mads, where's the food?!"

"Uh, the food didn't come yet." Here comes the worst part, "Gerry is here."

She turns her head quickly and her eyes went wide. "Did he tell you what he's here for?"

"No. But he looks like it might be something serious happening. Although, everything with him is serious…"

I'm really not one to be disrespectful to people, especially adults, but you'll soon know why I feel the way I do.

My mom makes her way out to the living room, wringing her hands together nervously. There are only certain moments where my mother shows her nervousness and 95% of that is when Gerry is around. It was only a couple of years ago that I found the true story of my parents meeting…and I wish I could take back wanting to know in the first place.

My mom reaches the living room before me and I can see her body visibly tense as she takes in the sight of him. I just hope this takes no more than a few minutes and we can get this charade over with for another year.

"Gerry. What a surprise."

He stands up and buttons his blazer. "Rach, you look stunning as always. I know my visit may come as a shock, but I have something important to discuss with you and Maddie. And I thought it would be best if I told you in person instead of over the phone."

"I don't think I like the sound of this," my mom says as she sits down. "What kind of situation are you in now?"

Gerry sighs as he sits back down. I could tell by the pensive look on his face that something terrible has happened. And I know to be frightened because he NEVER looks this way. Oh shit…

"I'm sure you remember the deal we made in terms of concealing Maddie's identity." I start to shift uncomfortably, quickly figuring out the conversation is going to be about me.

"Yes, I do because I wanted her to have as simple a life as possible. It's what she always deserved."

"And I agree. But there's someone out there who doesn't."

I look at my mother and start to shake my head. She looks at me and begins to raise her voice.

"Fitzgerald, I know you're not saying what I think you're saying! WE MADE A DEAL! You keep MY CHILD out of your world and let me move on with my life! I knew one day your shady dealings would come to bite you in the ass. I just knew it!"

"Rachel, you have a right to be mad-"

"A RIGHT?! I also have a RIGHT to kick you out my house!" I start to tear up because seeing my mother this upset will forever make me upset, too.

You see, Big Gerry never comes here with 'good intentions'. It's always a smoke screen for the negative he brings to our lives. For my 16th birthday, he bought me some expensive ass car (that I can barely drive in New York City) because he bought his other children cars when they turned 16 and he didn't want me to feel left out. Yeah, okay.

Back to conversation at hand…

"You're right. Look, I've changed or at least I'm still trying to. But there are moments from my past that can't change along with me as much as I want them too. Bottom line is an old associate of mine has been blackmailing me for some time. Mainly about some business deals and a few elections. Those are things I can hide with ease. But he knows about Maddie and I can't hide her."

It's at this point that I have to leave. The room is closing in on me, I have a major headache and my chest Is tightening so bad that I may pass out. "Mama, I'm going upstairs. I can't take any more of this."

She kisses my forehead and asks if I want her to come with me. "No, I-I'll be fine. I just need to lie down."

I get up as fast as I can and run up the staircase. As I open the door to my room, I feel slight relief. Thank God I plugged in my humidifier this morning.

I lay in my bed for 5 minutes and a calmness is restored in my body. But now I start to feel a little bad for leaving my mother alone down there with him. I know she understands why I left, but that little tug of guilt doesn't easily go away. I close my eyes not knowing that in just a few sentences, my life will never be my own.

.


	3. Just a Situationship

_Hi everyone, just a few things before we get into this chapter. I am a new-ish writer to Fanfic, so please be patient with me. This plot randomly came to mind a few weeks ago and I didn't know how well received it would be. This chapter kind of ties together a little of what I have been hinting at and I hope you all can understand. And this will be an OLITZ STORY! There's just a little build up to that moment, but I promise that it will be worth it. Thanks for all the support so far! Please leave a comment and follow the story. Happy reading!_

Back downstairs:

"Before we continue this little conversation, there's something that you need to know. Whatever happened between us has ended and with good reason, but you will not make that child feel like she's lesser than and something to be dealt with like she's worthless. She has feelings and emotions that you don't know the half of, and you need to remember that the next you talk to her. IF I even allow that to happen."

"I didn't mean it in that way, and I'll apologize to her. I'm just trying to explain the severity of the situation. My oldest son is running for Governor and before he can even announce his exploratory committee, he has roadblocks. Everything is either a fallacy or something that every other politician has in their closet. But there are silent rumors swirling around about another child of mine that I want to squash because that is what we agreed upon. It's not my intention to upend your lives, but you need to know that there is a possibility that this can get out and I want you to be prepared."

Rachel gets up and starts to pace. Her entire life flashes before her eyes, but specifically the night she met Gerry.

It was a March evening and she had just gotten done with day 1 of her graduate studies conference. New York University selected her and three other students to attend a four-day seminar on Museum Studies. Now in her second year, this was a good time for her to network and solidify a name for herself after graduation.

She was even more excited that it was being held in Dallas, TX where there was a little more warmth than the long New York winter. While enjoying a night cap at the hotel bar, she notices a man looking at her from the other side of the bar top. He lifts his glass with a smirk, and she reciprocates. Soon after, he walks to her and takes a set at the next bar stool.

At first, she was a little skeptical because she obviously didn't know the man, but he seemed nice enough. A little older than what she would normally dabble in, but what's the harm. She finally accepted his offer to refill her drink and the next thing you know, they're back in her room having sex. Was it one of her proudest moments? No. But she was single, no children and deserved to have a little moment of spontaneity.

Over the next two months, they continued on with their situationship. They knew they weren't dating (because neither felt it was good to seeing as he lived in California and it was impossibly far), but they did enjoy each other's company.

By June, she had started a new job as the Development Assistant for Donors and Gifts at the MET while he was, to her at least, the owner of a small law firm in Santa Monica, CA. They hadn't seen each other in weeks, and she thought that was the end of that…until she realized she was late. That's when everything changed.

After seeing the positive pregnancy test, she knew what she had to do. Even if he didn't want the baby, she was going to keep it. She made more than enough to support them both and she knew once her parents got over the shock, they would be supportive as well. The only thing was to tell him.

A few days later, she finally worked up the courage to call him after some force from her mother. She didn't think he would answer, but lucky (or unlucky) for her, he did…and with enthusiasm, at that.

After she reveals the news, they decide to meet up that weekend. Little did she know, a baby wasn't the only thing popping up.

They meet at a restaurant not far from her parent's brownstone. As they sit at the table, they both look at each other in apprehension.

"Rachel, there's something you need to know that I haven't told you yet. I'm not who I say I am. While yes, I do own a law firm, my actual job is a being a Senator. And I'm married."

As her eyebrows knit together and her lips tighten, she has half a mind to throw the table at him. How could he do this to her?! To his family?! She knew she should've never gone to her room with him. Or accepted the drink. Or even looked his way. She didn't expect them to be together, but she doesn't want her child born into a messed up situation.

"You've known me for how long and didn't find the need to tell me. And not only that, how could you do this to your family? I'm sure you have other children with your wife. Now my child is getting the short end of the stick because you couldn't keep it in your pants! You know what, I'm leaving. I don't need you!"

As the months went on, he tried to contact her in different ways. Sending her gifts, calling her, even sending her his version of 'child support' which consisted of checks worth more than her monthly checks combined. She tried to send as much as she could back, but it never happened.

Five days after Maddie was born, he showed up to her parents' house with even more lavish presents asking to see them. She made him promise to protect Maddie and her innocence and in return, he could get updates on her life. That was how it went from then until now. Every once in a while, he'll magically appear with gifts and his presence, asking for life updates, then leaves again.

Looking back into his face she sees the man she thought she once knew. He was sweet and caring, but now he's selfless and greedy. She walks up to him and silently shouts,

"You need to understand me because I'm only going to say this one time. You are going to do WHATEVER you have to do to make this go away. Pay someone of, promise them something you know they want, you can even sacrifice yourself. But I rather leave this country before my child is put in danger."

This is not how she imagined her life turning out, even if she got a beautiful daughter out of it. Nevertheless, she will protect her to the ends of the Earth and no one, not even her father, will hurt her.

"I promise you, I'm doing everything I can to help her. Help you. I know I hurt you something fierce, but I wouldn't lie to you. Not about this."

"You better fix this Fitzgerald. I'm serious. Now, you can leave."

He gets up and silently walks out the door. As soon as she locks it, Rachel goes up the stairs and peeks into her daughters' room. Her sweet, sweet girl. All she wants is for her to have what she couldn't and that's a life without this type of worry and stress. She know that Maddie will overcome her struggles. However, this is something that could trigger her and shut her down for who knows how long. And Rachel knows she has to be ready to deal with it.


	4. Locket and a Journal

After Gerry left, it was like a dark cloud was hanging over our house. My mom waited for me to wake up and explained what he told her. To say that I was traumatized is an understatement. I slept in my mom's room that night after another anxiety attack. It's like every time I stop crying, I think about my life and the tears start again.

The next day, he calls me to apologize and explain that it's not my fault, blah blah blah. Realistically, I know that it's not my fault but tell that to my overactive brain. He then explains to my mom that we need to come to California for an emergency 'family meeting'. Now, you can probably sense where the problems lie. For one, my mother nor I have EVER met his family and I intended to keep it that way for the rest of my life. Two, these are people who could quite possibly hate my mother and I for simply existing, so that dims my excitement there. And three, what could he possibly have to say that we have to fly across the country at a moment's notice for? Ugh…

As we're packing for our 6 AM flight, I find myself shaking in anticipation. I knew about his other children and they seemed perfect. Had great jobs, a lot of money and were just everything you would expect them to be. They probably despise my existence because I'm proof that their father cheated on their mother.

I finished packing and went to find my mom. I see her slowly folding her clothes, while nursing a glass of wine. This isn't uncommon (because she's a meticulous packer) but I see her eyes and they're as glassy as the river. I know she's worried about how everything is going to turn out, because for my entire life she's had to fight off the stigma about being a single mother. And thankfully, her family was understanding and supported her. But I wonder what life would be like if she would've gotten married or if Gerry really was who he said he was. How different the little moments would be.

I clear my throat and lean on her doorframe. "You need any help over there, Mama?"

"Oh, no baby. I'm good. Are you all done?"

"I am. Just need to take it downstairs and that's about it." I walk into her room and lay across her bed.

Looking at my mother's photo of us on my 6th birthday brings me back to a memory that almost seems like a dream…

It was the day after my birthday, and I was in the living room playing watching television. I remember the doorbell ringing and my mom going to the foyer to answer the door. It felt like the minutes turned into hours waiting on her to come back. I crept up to the corner of the panel and saw Gerry and my mom arguing. They were trying to whisper but I heard them as clearly as possible.

"If you would give me a chance just to see her-"

"Gerry, I told you that I am not going to allow you to walk in and out of her life when it's convenient for you. She's six years old and you need to realize that things are not going to be as easy as you thought it would be."

"I'm trying, I really am. And you know that I can't just pop up for every event in her life. I wish I could, because she deserves everything in the world, but I just can't."

"No one is saying that you have to be here for everything, but you can at least call her some time. Make the effort OUTSIDE of these biyearly visits. I won't allow you to hurt her feelings any more than you have."

I could tell that my mom was sad. I had never heard her speak to anyone that way before. She was always passionate, but never angry. And at that moment, I knew Gerry was never to be trusted.

I tried to turn away, but I guess he must have saw my puff showing on the side of the wall.

"Maddie? Is that you?" I knew I had been caught. I could pretend to not acknowledge him, or I could try and make the situation better somehow…

As I walk towards him, I could see the fire in my mothers' eyes. I knew it wasn't directed at me, but it might as well may have been. I walked closer to them both and as soon as I was near my father, my mother gently grasped my shoulders. I could tell that she needed me physically near her and maybe I needed her near me, too.

Gerry kneeled down and handed my white lilies. I was never really one for flowers because they always tickled my nose, but I didn't want to hurt his feelings.

"These are for you, sweetheart. Happy birthday."

I smile bashfully up at him. Even at my young age, I can tell that he's been through so much in his life and if given the chance, he could've been better. He could've done better.

"Thank you. I love them."

"I also have a few other things for you. Now this is something that I thought would be special for a girl such as yourself. It's a locket that acts as a key to a journal you can use whenever you want. Your mom told me that you love to write stories so I thought this would be a great way for you to start tracking them."

I'll never forget this moment. He handed me this extremely beautiful engraved, silver locket and a gigantic leather-bound journal. Something that I still use to this day.

I looked up at my mother and she gave me a small smile. She could see the excitement in my eyes and at the time, I was so happy to receive something so monumental. It made me feel as if he really cared about me and like I was actually one his children and not some after though or a secret that needed to be kept. To this day, when I look at that journal or the locket, I get a flashback of that day and the hope that it brought me.

And just for a brief moment, the pain of being someone's disgrace goes away.


End file.
